Last Wednesday, I came real damn close to a milestone. A milestone of 50 pounds recently lost, and 70 pounds down from my highest weight. I ended up reaching 170.5. A disappointing half a pound away from 50. But, I wasn’t disappointed on that morning. It would be stupid to be. I’ve come a long way. At work, I’ve been getting compliments left and right. (Not bragging, I swear…………………………..Alright. I am.) I’ve been having nightly fashion shows in my closet, my collection getting looser and looser everyday.
But, something just doesn’t feel right.
I feel like I’ve hit a wall of comfortability. Like, it’s noticeable now, I’ve already come this far. I feel like I have a chance to breath for a minute. A chance to slow down and relax. Stop worrying about gym time and not pay such close attention to my daily caloric intake.
In reality, I still have another 35-40 pounds to lose before I’m at my goal weight. And I’d ideally like to reach that by April 21, so when I land in France, the best possible version of me is in that new country. Another 40 pounds means I have to do what I’ve already done. And, it’s only going to get harder the smaller I get. (Which is super shitty, if you ask me.)
Today’s comfortability wall led me to lunch, and in intense craving for brownies. I broke out the frosting and reached for the brownie mix. Mixed the mix (licked the spatula), opened the frosting, and ate some. This little bit of frosting won’t kill me. That little bit of brownie mix won’t be the death of me. And honestly, it probably wouldn’t have been. But, I wasn’t happy. And that frosting swarming around in stomach, that usually tasted sooo good, ended up tasting atrocious.
Five months ago, that frosting would have destroyed me. Five months ago, every brownie would be gone by now. Five months ago, the gorge fest would have ended with hours on the internet and no movement. Five months ago, that frosting would have defined me.
Today? Today, I ate some frosting. Today, I didn’t eat one of those brownies. Today, I went for a run. Today, that run was one of my easiest and also ended up being my fastest. A mile and a half in 16 minutes and 28 seconds. A 10:50 pace. Today, I realized that not only my body is changing, but my mind is morphing into something beautiful.
Today, I tore down a few bricks holding up that wall of comfortability.
Tomorrow, a few more will follow.